The Faithful Hound

Thursday, September 21, 2006

News preview from the People's Daily

August 22nd 2023
Beijing, China

The Chinese Premier Mr. Yong Chun, addressing an international press conference in Beijing today, declared that Chinese troops have been successful in putting down the insurgency in America's Texas province, but cautioned that hard days lay ahead in the struggle to bring freedom to the people of America. He said that four hundred thousand additional troops were being deployed to help stabilize the region and called for patience and resolve from the Chinese people.
Mr. Chun has been facing growing local and international criticism over his controversial decision to invade the US three years ago, on the grounds that the Republican regime of President Jenna Bush was poised to launch a Death Star styled spacecraft that would be armed with proton torpedoes capable of annihilating the entire world. No such weapon was found during the subsequent occupation of America. Mr. Chun pointed out that the inability to find an actual Death Star was not proof that plans to build one did not exist. Mr. Chun also clarified that although not explicitly stated prior to the invasion, it was his administration's goal to bring real freedom to the American people who he claimed had been suffering under the oppressive rule of a President with approval ratings below fifty percent.
Mr. Chun also pointed out to reporters the plight of American women prior to the invasion. "American girls were encouraged to starve to conform to unrealistic, media-driven standards" he said. "It was a shame to the international community that no one before us had stepped in to rescue them. Today, we have them all dressed in loose fitting grey uniforms as they work in factories. They are finally free from social pressures and can spend their lives in the blissful pursuit of their work."
When asked if he had expected the American people to rise up in revolt against his occupying troops, Mr. Chun replied that he had expected the Americans to greet the sight of Chinese tanks at Times Square with flowers, but instead the ungrateful wretches met them with bullets. The Premier reiterated that while a majority of the American people were peace loving, or perhaps too overweight to take up arms, it was only a small fraction of the population that had joined the local militias that resisted the occupation. Dubbing these individuals 'terrorists' and 'evil-doers', Mr. Chun promised that they would be dealt with harshly.
When questioned about the widespread reports of civilian killings, rape, looting and prisoner abuse being perpetrated by Chinese soldiers in US cities, the Premier's only response was that "stuff happens." On being pressed for more details, Mr. Chun replied that often when Chinese troops conducted late night raids on American houses suspected to be supportive of the resistance, families were too terrified or perhaps did not know enough Chinese to understand and respond to the troops. In these situations things sometimes got out of hand, to the disadvantage of the members of the household. Mr. Chun said that in cases where a crime was proven to have occurred, the soldiers involved were given a warning or even docked a week's pay.
The Premier also continued to make the tenuous connection between the invasion of the US and the Rape of Nanking in 1937. "They attacked us first" he said repeatedly. When reminded that the massacres in Nanking had been carried out nearly a hundred years ago, and had been perpetrated by Japan and not the US, Mr. Chun grew agitated. He said that while the Americans may not have directly ordered the carnage at Nanking and may have actually been at war with Japan at the time, their complicity could not be ruled out entirely.
There has been widespread speculation that Chinese movie tycoons had used their influence with the State Council to persuade Mr. Chun, who has long standing ties to the Kung-Fu film industry, to go to war with America so that they could raid Hollywood's stable of internationally acclaimed stars. While brushing off the reports as "baseless rumors", Mr. Chun also issued a stern warning to Canada, saying that they could be next if they did not do more to control the flow of talentless Canadian actors to Hollywood.
In other news, eighty two American college students were killed when their spring break beach party in the Eastern province of Florida was mistaken for a terrorist gathering and bombed by Chinese jets. The event did not receive any coverage in the local media here as it occurred on the same day that popular actress Bai Meng announced that she may be pregnant.